Are You a Manly Man?
What does it mean to be a manly man? Many people today, even preachers in Christian churches, present ultimate manliness as conquering others. To them, a good example of manliness would be Samson. Samson was massively strong physically; on one occasion he killed 1000 men with just the jawbone of a donkey. Another time Samson saw a beautiful woman in the city of Timnah and told his parents to “get her for me as a wife.” “Get her for me” almost sounds like a caveman with a club taking his woman by the hair to his cave! Samson was Rambo, Rocky, and The Gladiator put together thousands of years before we ever heard of these “real men.”
But is this really the core of manliness? I’ve often heard it said that the feminist movement has emasculated men, leaving them confused and insecure, longing for the good old days when “men could be men.” I do believe that the feminist movement in its negative effects has confused and blurred gender identities, roles, and morals, but not because husbands and sons are now required to participate in helping to wash the dishes, do the laundry, and other “women’s work.” Why shouldn’t men pitch in and help?
True manliness is so much more than we think. Jesus is the ultimate man, and the example we must look to for how men today should live out their manhood. When Jesus saw hypocrisy, merchandising, and outright robbery going on in His House, the Temple, He took a whip to those who were doing it and mightily cleaned His House! Jesus was a strong, firm, and unyielding man in the face of abuse and injustice. Yet Jesus was full of compassion, and meek and lowly of heart (Matthew 9:36; 11:29), and “a bruised reed He would not crush” (Isaiah 42:3). Jesus said, “(I) the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give My life a ransom for many.” Jesus said to His disciples, “You know the rulers of the Gentiles lord over them…it shall not be so among you; whoever desires to become great among you, let him be a servant” (Matthew 21:25-28).
As a husband Jesus leads His Bride, not by demands and domineering, but by love and tenderness, and by the washing of the Word transforming us into a glorious Church (Ephesians 5:25-27). So the Bible tells husbands to lead their wives similarly: “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her…nourishing and cherishing her just as the Lord does…” (Ephesians 5:25,29).
As a young husband, I remember taking a day cruise with my wife Cathy to Victoria. Along the way, Cathy and I got into an argument over nothing very important, but it escalated and soon I was demanding her to submit to me like the Bible says. She wouldn’t, so when the ship docked at Victoria, I told her to go by herself because I didn’t want to be with her. She said fine and left. I thought she would repent and come back begging for my forgiveness, but she didn’t. So I walked up and down the streets of downtown Victoria trying to find her, but to no avail. It came time for the ship to sail back to Seattle, but the return tickets were in Cathy’s purse and I still couldn’t find her! I had to catch a bus home to Seattle from Vancouver, British Columbia. It was a 3 - 1/2 hour ride and all the way home I heard Jesus’ words ringing in my mind, “Wouldn’t it be better to love your wife like I love you?” I arrived at the Seattle bus depot at 2 am where Cathy was waiting for me. We were both so sorry and apologetic.
For me, this was the beginning of learning about being a “real man” — a man who is strong, especially strong in humility and kindness; a man who conquers through love and example, not by force and fierceness; a man who is a servant-leader; a man like the Man, Jesus.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
That’s good, dad.
The culture often twists what a man is to mean someone who feels no emotion and shows no pain, and kindness is out of the question. Jesus truly strikes a perfect balance and harmony between being strong and solid and his amazing compassion and humility. It takes a real man to be willing to humble himself before others in order to serve them.
You’re a great example of this to me. Thanks for that.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Nick, Your words encourage me greatly (and I’ll pay you later for the compliments!). I’m proud of you too for your servant’s heart, and how you’re always ready to jump in and help. I love the proverb: ‘he who rules his own spirit (is mightier) than he who captures a city.’ Prov. 16:32. I love you my boy!
April 30th, 2008 at 7:23 am
True manliness is being conquered by “the Man”, Jesus the Lord! Any other moxie that we put on is just a delay in becoming a real man. Manliness is being responsible and helpful, not abdicating my personal involvement to others (especially to able women). Its being Patriarchal even when unnecessary or unwanted. Its taking care to help folks who can’t fend for themselves, i.e. kids, widows, the sick, etc. Its getting off your butt and making a difference… its being involved in others lives, not just your own. KT
April 30th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Interesting topic…I think you’re right on the money Wayne! I place a lot of blame on the Church in not training it’s young men to be a real man. A man who is compassionate, loving toward others and is willing to serve. That’s also a sign of a true leader in my opinion. If you look at Jesus, you see that He was the ultimate Servant. When he served the 5,000 food or when he washed Peter’s feet or the myriad of other examples. All of them point to what a true man is and should be. There is a disturbing trend in Churches today that veils itself as a movement to bring masculinity back into the Church. These Churches model behavior such as being brash, loud and arrogant. These are not what it means to be a man.
We at Calvary Fellowship are not perfect but I think we do a great job in trying to model true biblical masculinity to our young men AND women. Thank you Wayne for modeling true biblical masculinity to us (at least trying to!)
Blessings,
Kevin
April 30th, 2008 at 9:19 am
KT–You the Man, lil broski. I’m glad you’re such an example of someone who’s ‘gotten off his butt’ and is serving everyone in sight–thanks my dear man! (By the way it’s substantial). Love you.
KL–Thanks for the encouraging words. Keep cherishing that beautiful new bride of yours.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Wayne,
“I’ve often heard it said that the feminist movement has emasculated men, leaving them confused and insecure, longing for the good old days when “men could be men.”
I think a lot of young men are confused. We have these extreme sports, where guys are doing unimaginable feats, then we have young guys that are not sure if they are even guys. (And no one else can tell either) They are not sure what to look like or act like. Many of our dads have dropped the ball. While agree that hollyweird’s example does not get it right either (with the examples you cited), sometimes even the modern church doesn’t get it right. Teaching a too soft-n-tender-sensitive form of masculinity. We need Godly (strong) men like yourself or Kelley to show us how to be Christian and men. Men who show us how to conquer for the Lord!
Also, haven’t you come across men who are nice and tender with their wives, but unable or unwilling to lead them. I have seen this time and time again, and the wives rise up and lead. They in turn give this example to the kids. What’s up with guy’s unwilling to lead? How do you combat that?
April 30th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come.
Exercising to be a manly man is so fashionable today-here are a few good exercises that really count!
Psa 131:1 [[A Song of degrees of David.]] LORD, my heart is not haughty, nor mine eyes lofty: neither do I exercise myself in great matters, or in things too high for me.
Act 24:16 And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and [toward] men.
1Ti 4:7 But refuse profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise thyself [rather] unto godliness.
.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
We know there is nothing sinful about physical strength or even psychological strength.And we know its always a heart issue. You can be popeye and a man after God’s own heart. You could be a weakling physically or mentally and be a man after God’s own heart. Or you could be a weakling physically and mentally and be an ungodly oaf -its having the right priorities-Seeking first His kingdom and His righteousness as your strength and not your own. Thats what it all boils down to.
So much today is wrapped up in self pride and reliance in physical or mental prowess-and really the history of our manifest destiny American culture and Frank Sinatras My way entertainment is indicative of it. People who look to the Lord for their strength are considered weak and unimaginative-hogwash! ! for its in losing our lives that we find strength, skill, wisdom and life for His sake and for the betterment of mankind.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
This is nonsense! A REAL man loves cars, babes, muscles, beer and football [not all at the same time]!
If anyone disagrees with me, I challenge him [or her] to an arm wrestle…
with Wayne.
Riley
April 30th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Politico: I understand your point about men that let their wives usurp their position as husbands or fathers, and that is a grievous thing. But I think it primarily reveals a problem with their relationship with God. They are not trusting God very much and not receiving His strength so they are spiritually gutless. The answer is not to become macho and domineering, but to rise up in their relationship with God, receive His strength, and start obeying Him in fulfilling their calling. Chances are if they have christian wives, their wives will be thrilled to see them doing what God wants, and they’ll have an easier time respecting them and submitting to them. But whether their wives respect them or not, they still must not vacate their place of leading their family toward the Lord through a loving, servanthearted example. The Lord will give us grace and strength to do so.
Wayne
April 30th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Riley my boy, you crack me up–and I love that about you. You’re gonna make a great hubby and daddy, even if you are goofy like your pa.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
I kinda like being macho and domineering. Please, please, don’t tell my wife!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Thanks Wayne. I really needed to hear that.
My second child was just born, and I’m trying to give in to the brokenness inside me right now. (I say trying to give in because my pride wants the opposite.) I have a son who lives in California with his mother. I separated from her when he was just 3 months old. The emotional and spiritual baggage I carry over that has made every day a day I wouldn’t want to repeat. And really, if you don’t want to re-live your yesterdays…what kind of life do you have?
But meeting my daughter yesterday, and holding her close to me…I was overcome by God’s grace. That he would bless me a second time, despite my previous failures, is just the most wonderful display of His endless love. And this time He has my heart focused on being a man. You see, for all the excuses–and some would even say valid reasons–for the end of my first marriage (of 12 years)…what it really came down to was not being a man. I WAS that guy who’s wife “lead” the marriage. I was definitely NOT a man in the sense you describe…which rings as Truth in my soul.
I can’t say I’ve overcome a thing at this point. But I can say that God is working in me. This is one of those topics where you can’t really avoid seeing God’s handiwork! It has been on my heart, in my prayers, coming up in conversation, and even on this blog He’s talking to me through you. Sorry to spill my guts, but I felt led to and really want you to know this blog has made a positive impact. Please keep at it!
Jimbo
May 1st, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Jimbo, I was moved and melted by your vulnerable comments. I’m sorry for the pain of your past, yet it is good to hear that the Lord is teaching you His ways in order to bless you and your family now and forever. I heard a saying for fathers once that I think is true: ‘one of the best things we can do for our kids is to cherish their mother’. May the Lord give you His sweet grace to love your wife and your beautiful, new girl strongly and tenderly. And to keep loving and fathering your boy as much as possible even though he’s hundreds of miles away. Bless you, Wayne
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:19 am
Hey Wayne,
First of all, this blog is GREAT!
This was a great word to us men. I must say that having a super wife, like mine (which i recongize is from the Lord), has enabled me to be a better “manly man”. Having a wife who loves Jesus makes all the difference.
That was such a great story about you and Cathy in Victoria. I wish pastors would share more stories like that because it makes me feel like my marriage is normal.
It sounds like there is a real thirst by men in the church to know how to lead their families and have that balance you were taking about.
Appreciate the blog post…thanks
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:33 am
Landen, I can relate about the super wife comment, I definitely married up. Keep commenting and sharing your perspective, even stories of mess ups!
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Wayne,
Great Blog, revamped website looks good too (nice work Andy).
Anyway, I believe godly manhood begins from childhood. Neither my wife nor I were raised in Christian homes and we count it a blessing to be able to raise our two toddler boys with prayer, the Bible, worship, Sunday School, and speaking the truth to them about the real purposes of life and God. They take in so much, even at a young age, it’s kind of frightening to see how they’re imitating me in so many ways already. That in and of itself is enough to keep me accountable to walk as a man of God worth following.
Peace,
Deano
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Wayne,
Thanks for your humility — I love your stories! I think you’re right on — I especially like the part about being strong in humility and a servant-leader. I also love Psalm 15:4b, “who keeps his oath even when it hurts.” There’s a lot of strength in a man willing to sacrifice his own comfort for the sake of honoring a commitment.
I was just thinking today about “manly men,” as I was walking past the lumber yard in Ballard. There’s just something great about guys loading up their pick-up trucks with lumber. I was trying to figure out why I am impressed by men with wood, as this seems rather stereotypical. I think it’s because I like to imagine that they are going home to build something really useful for somebody. There’s something so honorable about a man who is using his time to help and encourage people in his life… whether it’s building a fence, doing the dishes, or talking with a friend.
Don’t you think the same thing is true for women, though? We are all called to be humble, kind servants. Maybe it just looks different for men and women — either in the way we do it or how it is percieved…
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Deano, I think you’re right that during the formative years of a child’s life more is developed than appears until later. But thank God, He can make up for the years that the worms have eaten (Joel 2:25). The Lord’s fathering of us is so transforming and healing for the soul.
Michelle, humility does beautify the spirit of women as well as men–both genders have pride problems, but it manifests itself differently. You’re not saying men and wood go together because we’re blockheads are you? (ha ha).
May 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Even the title, “Are you a manly man” has a sour note to it. I’m a Child of the most high God, and so far as I’m concerned, that is where the requirement ends. Due to having had a physical disability (inconvenience), since the age of 18, when manhood is kinda sorta expected to begin, it has been extremely difficult to keep a stiff upper lip, keeping my head above water. That is, not giving in to how society treats you when you are different than everybody else. It’s a tough one.
No matter what any person thinks I was born with a male gender that caused me to become a man. Then when the Lord called me I became a Child of God who so happens to be a grown up man…no matter how you slice it.
May 4th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Hey Jim,
Thanks for the posting.
I thought of two scriptures and my father as I was reading your reply.
John 15:13 Greater love has no man than this, than a man lay down his life for his friends.
Proverbs 20:29 The glory of a young man is his strength, and the old man his wisdom.
I think of my Dad who passed into eternity just a few short years back. He was my first example of a man, and indeed taught me quite a few things by his actions. He was injured at work one day, and had to take an early retirement due to the severity. He was the type of guy who prided himself on his physical appearance and strength, but after the accident lost both. For years he struggled with the transformation his body had gone through almost overnight. Through the pain of his injury, he continued to look after me, being a child at the time, and my mother who was physically unable to.
Two weeks before he passed away, I was sitting in his room talking to him about the past, what his reflections were from WWII etc, and all the questions I had but never took the time to address with him before. It occurred to me in our conversations that, as he lay in bed unable to do anything, there were so many times I had forgotten about when he was unable to do anything with his body. At those times when he wanted to help out and couldn’t, he gave me the example of patience and long suffering.
He was never more a man to me than at the times he received wisdom instead of physical strength…
May 5th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Great stuff Ed and Jim, thanks for joining the conversation.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
If a man has to prove his manliness it’s probably because he isn’t one.