Let’s be real
For a long time I didn’t connect with others at church because of a fear of being real. I thought that if others knew what a terrible example of a Christian I was they would be appalled.
It reminds me of when my kids were very young and I compared myself to other moms in the same way. They all seemed to have it so together. But I felt like I was always unorganized and late, especially for preschool.
As any mom knows, things often go awry in the morning. I was so worried about what these other moms would think about me being late, I would lose my temper with my kids if they dawdled instead of getting on their shoes, or insisted on going back for a special toy, or demanded something for breakfast we were out of.
When I finally arrived, frazzled and late, I would inevitably notice some other mom who was dressed beautifully, hair styled, perfectly groomed children in hand, getting into her clean car looking at me like I was the biggest loser of a mom.
How does she do it? I would ask myself. She must have a maid or a husband who works at home.
The best part of preschool, however, was connecting with other moms who could relate to my circumstances. The moms who would smile at me, tell me not to worry about being late, or share about their hectic morning always made me feel better. Sometimes we would encourage each other with suggestions for making the morning go more smoothly.
And once in a while, that put together mom would share her struggles as well. Wow! Her kids had meltdowns once in a while too! That always made me feel better.
For a long time Christianity was like this for me too. I would come to church, broken and exhausted from trying to be a good person all week, look around at all the “holy” people and think, how do they do it? I had made so many mistakes. Our family had argued on the way to church, our attempt at devotions were disastrous, my sins seemed so much worse than others. It seemed like others were smiling and talking about home schooling their kids, disciplining them with grace and patience, their family serving in ministry and living such godly Christian lives.
Once again, I felt like a failure.
Occasionally I would share my struggles with someone who would relate their own experiences and remind me how God was helping them overcome struggles. The more I got to know people, the more I saw their real life underneath the outward appearance of my perceived perfection.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with striving to live a godly life, raise your kids in the admonition of the Lord, or serve faithfully with your family. That’s awesome! But one thing that has helped me grow closer to others in our church is to be more real about my struggles and ask for prayer and encouragement.
There should also be balance in how much we share. We don’t want to arrive at church ready to dump all our troubles onto others who may not be ready to handle all that dumping! And we need to respect our family members’ privacy.
But next time someone looks you in the eye and genuinely asks how you’re doing, be willing to share the joyous moments of your week along with the tough times you’re going through. You might be surprised that they’ve been through similar circumstances and can offer words of encouragement or prayers of support.
I’ve noticed over the past year or two that Pastor Wayne has shared more of his own personal struggles in his sermons. It’s not that I feel better to know he struggles, but somehow it helps to remember that he’s human. I can relate to his messages more and take in what he’s saying because of his honesty.
I think real fellowship happens when we’re willing to be real with each other.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed…” James 5:16
June 17th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
How did you know to post that for me?
Wow has my pride taken a beating the last week. (Can’t wait until it is beaten to death!)
Anyone ever seen those training ice skates with the two blades? Sort of training wheels for ice skating. Useful and fun, but no way you’re going to make the Olympic ice racing team using them. That’s how I felt my whole life at church, much as you describe. My experience was that I wanted to be real with people, but wound up trying to ACT like the person I really felt called to be–and what I thought everyone around me had already attained. And the harder I tried the further I got from really understanding faith. It became such a struggle that I gave up on Christ after 18 years of being a born again, spirit-filled believer. Praise Him for not giving up on us though! He picked me up, brushed off the gunk, and showed me the gift of faith that was there all along.
I still feel “small” when I talk to a person with faith stronger than mine, but I’m comforted by God that the faith He’s given me is enough. I don’t need to define myself with any other measure.
I’d like to share a version of Hebrews 11:1 that struck me last week. We’re used to hearing “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”…right? That verse has been on my heart for months. Good meditation fodder, but still something seemed missing. Like when I’ve tried to read Shakespeare and have an incling of what was going on without really understanding it (thus the meditation I suppose). Then just last week I read it from The Message: The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see.
Thanks for your openness. Amazing how sincere sharing of things never makes me feel weak or ashamed–as one might expect. Maybe by revealing our struggles with each other we wind up revealing God’s grace even more.
I’d rather be unfinished in the potter’s hands than hardened with a false sense of perfection any day!
June 18th, 2008 at 5:11 am
Cathy,
This post too was not only for Jimbo (Hi Jimbo) but for me too, ESPECIALLY THIS WEEK! I can relate to how you felt in the past also. Thankfully that the Lord’s grace is sufficient unto all of us in the midst of our own personal thorns that pierce our flesh.
My own son went to Christian school for many years. I had to run a business to make a living for our family and always the last one to know anything about what the latest school function was, when it was, and what it was about. I thought surely the other moms and teachers thought ill of me because I just never seemed to have it all together.
What I have noticed though is that when we are honest, that the Lord is not only pleased but glorified too! –because it is His grace that is sufficient and His sacrifice that has paid it all (not being presumptious in our lives in any way of course about sin as this does not glorify the Lord but being honest about imperfection because He knows our condition). With discretion, to share our faults with other trusted believers not only helps us but I think it truly gives others more “safe” space to be real…and our Lord wants real…because only real is true….not only that being “unreal” is so easily detected and so very often a stumbling block for those who are really seeking the truth that only Jesus can bring.
I’ve learned that even in witnessing to the unsaved and sharing the Gospel, when I’m real, the hearers start to relax. They are not defensive, uptight or “put off” because they feel shame (very different than conviction) but rather attracted because they feel love and safety and truth. Our Lord, thankfully, is not dependant upon our circumstances to work in our lives and in the lives of others through us. He can and often does use imperfect vessels to convey His own perfect Person….Truly, He can bring the absolute best out of the absolute seemingly worst of circumstances.
My all too “real” drama this week:
This week, as my saga with my 18 year old son continues, I had a chance to witness to my neighbor’s sons live-in girlfriend. My neighbors have known that I am a Christian for many years. In fact, their son, prayed with me when he was about eight to receive Jesus as we were driving to a local beach for a fun day in the sun. Since then, this boy has been in alot of trouble, dropped out of high school and is now 22 and involved in alot of sinful things.
Just this Tuesday night at about midnight my husband and I were outside on our front lawn talking to the police. We were freaking out really…(to make a long story short our house was vandalized, four beautiful new windows destroyed by teens yielding bats as well as the windows in our new truck). My son was not home yet from a party he went to with a new friend whom we did not know at all…but he promised me two weeks ago he would never try alcohol again and so when he left we had peace. That peace was very short lived when were awoken at 12:15 a.m. by the sound of loud teens, screeching cars and the sound of glass (ours) being broken.
Isn’t this a picture of the ideal Christian’s life and family? However, this picture was what my neighbors could relate to. It was not a beautiful picture. It wasn’t a cookie-cutter perfect picture like I almost always want my life to look like and be… instead it was real and looked my life had suddenly become this year with a son who was now a partying senior graduate on his way to college.
Tuesday night, we were victims of a crime, something as foreign to us as one could image. We were upset, and my reaction was not ideal either. (i.e., I was not standing there on my lawn praising God in the midst my circumstance, rather I was worried, upset, confused, shocked… and my worry and confusion shock and yes even fear was clearly apparent….and at the same time I was so aware of “spoiling my witness” because I was so upset and worried…but the Lord…He wasn’t worried at all.
But the Lord…He was still Lord and HE was in control. His ways that night were still not my ways…But He was making the best of this situation in so many ways I did not yet realize. In between my panic, my shock and worry, I got to share with this girl and my neighbors son. I was praying (audibly) in between every other sentence because my son was out with his new friend and still not home, our house and vehicle had just been viciously vandalized and I wondered if this some how related to him and if he were in some kind of trouble where he was. I called his cell…he said he would be right home and that he was okay. But he didn’t come home for another 30 to forty minutes in my my heart I knew something was really wrong.
Still talking to this beautiful young girlfriend of my neighbor’s son, and praying audibly for my son in between sentences…I shared my testimony. And was very surprised, blessed, and comforted when she told me, she felt she really needed Jesus too! More surprised when she agreed to pray with me on the spot to receive Jesus and told me she wants to learn all about Him and wanted a Bible. We prayed there right on the spot and she received Jesus as her Lord and Savior. She had gone to a few churches she said but felt they were very strange and could not relate. She was crying and touched when I told her Jesus love her, that she was precious to Him, that He shed His blood for her and that He had a plan for her life, that He paid for all of her sin and wants to forgive her…that His plans were good and right and they would not be burdonsome and loathful…but lovely and wonderful…because He knows us and loves us and truly has a plan. I knew this gal was living with my neighbor’s son…I also know some of the activities he’s involved with. But when I told her the Lord was not condemning nor does He want us to be (and even in that I felt somewhat dishonest because I had judged my neighbors and their son so much in my heart in the past for his involvement in drugs, dropping out of school, etc.). Ahhhh but now, now I have broken windows and my own teenage son problems…and because of my imperfect circumstances the Lord gave me opportunity to share the Gospel with my neighbors.
Finally, my son pulled up, as he walked out of the car my feelings of worry were confirmded…His eyes were bruised his face swollen and swelling…he was beaten up by about 20 of his schools FOOTBALL TEAM and our house WAS targeted by these kids.
Turns out it was all about a complete misunderstanding of a comment he had made three months ealier. His comment was totally benign and taken out of context (a long story). The Lord was with my son too, even as he was getting jumped and beaten up by a whole football team. He could have been brain dead after the beating they gave him but he only had minor cuts and bruises. He called on the name of Jesus during his ordeal. He said he was thinking these kids could have beat him to death when someone said “stop, he had had enough”. We all know too well from the news on the television that this fighting going on with teens is very real and very widespread. Now it came to my house. Surreal, unbelievable, hard to process but nevertheless it visited my home and my son.
What a night. Terrible. What a witness to my neighbors…not exactly what one would call perfect. But the Lord…But the Lord He is perfect. In His economy all things work together for good…even such things as this.
My son, NOW is beginning to realize that the things his very uncool mom told him were true…that parties where there is alcohol are dangerous… that bad things happen that make no sense and end in tragedy that self-control and discretion is so import. He also realized and now realized FIRST HAND ( i.e. “I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You”. Job 42:5) the negative implications of teenage partying.
My son, who had begun to drink alcohol for the first time in November during his senior high school year had just given me his solemn word two weeks ago that he would not ever try alcohol again until he was 21. (I gave him my solemn word that if he did he would have to live elsewhere…hardest thing I’ve ever had to say). He did his final college prep writing paper on alcohol and realized he made a very good decision. He didn’t drink at this party…not one drop…yet being with others who did yielded him fruit that was not very tasty in the form of a beating. When he came home and saw our windows and truck he was in complete shock and felt so very bad. When the detectives arrived the next day and my son told them what happened they asked him if he would be afraid to socialize now. He said no he wouldn’t be, but he DEFINITELY WOULD NOT BE GOING TO ANY MORE PARTIES “he’s done with them!”
Now it seems that the football team has realized that they made a mistake. They also found out that my son never said the comment they “heard” he said and it was all a huge mistake.
Thankfully the Lord protected my son. Thankfully, His Grace, traveled beyond the very unpleasant and unattractive circumstances at my house Tuesday night and touched a young ladies heart, convicted and convinced my own Son that His ways are better than the world’s and that living at home with somewhat “uncool” parents was alot more attractive than the seeming cool world. The Lord worked through His terrible situation to teach him a truth that might have taken years to learn otherwise. (on my refrigerator I had posted every scripture in Proverbs about alcohol…many of them deal with getting beat up and struck down…and not even remembering what had happened. they were just words. but the Lord…but the Lord gave him more than words, the chastising of a Father who truly cares).
That the Lord works through real people, real circumstance is totally scriptural! When we read about those who have gone before us in the Bible, those who belonged to Him, both in the New Testament and the Old Testament, we mostly see lives of people who were unfairly accused, thrown into pits, lions dens, asked to do things they could not, but that the Lord could, lives that were storm tossed but not utterly broken. Real people in the hands of a real God who is perfect and loves all of us and has a plan no matter what we or our circumstances look like. May we never, no matter how successful or good are circumstances are or become, be too proud to be real. And may we always remember that our Lord, creator of heaven and earth went through persecution to the point of death on a cross, and that His precious shed blood has washed away every failure, fault and sin and that we can reckon all our pride dead and buried and live by faith in the only Perfect Man our Lord Jesus Christ. What a relief! He did it all and it is finished.
I say phoey on phoniness and yes to human frailty that TRIUMPHS IN HIM, BECAUSE OF HIM AND BY HIM….lest any man should boast.
BTW, Jimbo…you are right….that “false perfection” turns more people off and away…people know the genuine article when then encounter it…and can spot a phoney instantly! May we celebrate our victories giving Jesus all the glory, and honestly share our faults knowing He has a plan and will rescue us.
Lorraine
June 18th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Jimbo and Lorraine,
Thank you both for your amazing, thoughtful responses! You guys should be writing this blog! Oh, wait, you are!
Lorraine, your story of how God worked his amazing plan through horrific circumstances is so encouraging. He always blows me away with how good He is to use the awfulness of this world to bring glory to Himself and bless his children.
Jimbo, your honesty is refreshing and exactly what I was talking about!
I love how both of you provided examples of being real. I agree wholeheartedly that false perfection is not the way to go.
Cathy
June 19th, 2008 at 4:03 am
Thanks Cathy,
I now have a prayer request, if I may. The saga continues. The hospital called me yesterday to tell me that on my son’s MRI there is evidence of Cortical Cerebral Atrophy. This has nothing to do with his getting assaulted.
We are making an appointment with a neurologist to find out what this is. The atrophy is mild …however for someone his age it is considered advanced. It should not be there.
I’m praying to the Lord that this is a result of his year of drinking and can be reversed. This would be a blessing and a further wake up call to my son.
I covet the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Seattle for my son. Thank you all so much.
Love You, Lorraine